my kid’s doctor kit includes a stethoscope, an otoscope, a syringe, and like 9 dolphins
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.