My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
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did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.