My teen just let me know he’s never speaking to me again. Strangely enough though, a blocked number keeps texting to ask what’s for dinner
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O Wise One….
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.