One of y’all son’s has a crush on my daughter and gave her his glasses today. His prescription glasses that he cannot see without. Just like a boy doing anything to impress a girl. Giving up the gift of sight is crazy 😂😩
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Great, now I have to pee.”
How it started How it’s going
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
and this one
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow