Parenthood kinda feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack
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I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.