Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights 馃崫馃槀
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“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
me: why do you think my parents don鈥檛 love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I don鈥檛 always sleep well, but when I do, it鈥檚 5mins before the alarm goes off
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
yall want some gasoline milk
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.