Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights 🍝😂
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.