so glad I’m not repeating my parents mistakes. but I am making a whole bunch of fun new ones
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Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.