Taking a vacation with family is like having major surgery; I’m going to need at least 2-3 weeks of recovery.
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I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
A comic by Dan Piraro
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.