the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”
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I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(人__つ_つ
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.