Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?