True storyā¦ š #parenting #parentlife
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Iām not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know Iāve seen some cooking shows.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of ābottomless friesā but then escorts you out with āyou have to wear pants in hereā.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Hereās a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender itās called āYogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wallā and a one and a two
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
ME: Whoās a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): whatās a 7 letter word for evident
him: itās obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldnāt be asking would I
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me āare you sexually activeā I said why whachu tryna do.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I canāt stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
How do you ask a friend if sheās a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and thatās for sure a third eyelid.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry Iām going through a tunnel
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Couldnāt afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that Iām nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
šµ Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! š¶
sorry Iām late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper āIām seeing someoneā
āIām not falling for that againā I say as Iām about to fall for whatever that is, again
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think itās one of the most nurturing relationships Iāve ever had.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldnāt see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
āknock knockā
whos there
āorangeā
orange who
āorange u glad im not a banana?ā
ā¦. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god heās coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE IāM WEARING TWO BRAS
I canāt make everyone happy, Iām not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Letās goā¦ OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: Iām going back to my swamp
ME: *points at my āWorldās Greatest Dadā shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own āWorldās Greatest Dadā shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my āWorldās Greatest Dadā mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own āWorldās Greatest Dadā mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws āWorldās Greatest Dadā sword*
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled āMommyās in dangerā so Iām just wondering if itās better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?