We hit many milestones as parents. Personally, I’m looking forward to the “we no longer need and entire cabinet of sippy cups, tops and straws” phase.
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time