Well, I’m in the audience of a 6th grade orchestra concert, so technically I’m “fine,” but spiritually I’m on the edge of sanity.
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
No point crayon over spilled milk.