You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now.
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”