34-year-old on Twitter : “PAW Patrol is copaganda that reinforces America’s role as the global police force and indoctrinates a new generation of children into our collective military fetishization.”
34-year-old not on Twitter : “We’re redoing our bathroom.”
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
new career option?
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out