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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
starting a garage orchestra
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe