But then as they walked away (likely confused) my phone started frantically buzzing, alerting me that there was a LITERAL tornado warning
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”