do u think my therapist is ever like man i hope it is a gossip day today and not a trauma day
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.