Every day I log onto this website, see four of the strangest sentences ever written, and then go about my day. The long term effects of this on the human brain are unknown.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
![]()
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.