everytime i look at a clock i’m like “there’s no fucking way”
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.