For the past 20 years I’ve received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.