Guy on jeopardy was just introduced as a “stay at home uncle”
![]()
You Might Also Like
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
This is the best one I’ve seen
![]()
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”