H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
![]()
You Might Also Like
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
![]()
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.