hi I’m Kendall Roy and this is, uh, the fucking Disney channel
![]()
You Might Also Like
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.