“I can’t believe twitter is free” it isn’t, there is an inconceivable toll
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Probably my best painting.
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Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass