Me: father father I have finished my collection of short stories and limericks. And father…I have decided to dedicate it to you
My Father (unable to forgive me for the irredeemable sin of having not fought in a war): Have you seen my damn AirPods
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss