me: your honor, may I approach?
judge: yes
me: my tummy hurts
![]()
You Might Also Like
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I put the I in Insufferable.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
The Weeknd is back
![]()
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?