my love language is cooking elaborate meals screaming at everyone to get out of the kitchen then loudly announcing the food was NOT MY BEST and waiting for compliments
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Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings