my sim rippin a bong in a subway eatin cookies with a goblin
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Honey I made you some hotdog water
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know