*staring at screens for approximately 12 hours a day*
Yeah I could probably live on a farm…the woods even…
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it