*staring at screens for approximately 12 hours a day*
Yeah I could probably live on a farm…the woods even…
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Mapping America’s Far Right
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.