the tv is very good, the world is very bad: the 2022 story
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.