These are the best menu descriptions I’ve ever seen. Sheer perfection
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Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.