These are the best menu descriptions I’ve ever seen. Sheer perfection
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe