tonight I had the sacred honor of showing a baby boomer how to use the Coke Freestyle machine at a movie theater
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Morning.
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen