What’s with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming