1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes
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Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
Gemma Correll
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word