1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.