1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
all that yoga finally paid off
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.