Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.