Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

😂

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.