14 year old girl who said Y’all in a tiktok: I am so sorry
Guy who was “Blackface Johnny” for Halloween in 2012: Does she really think that we’re just going to let this go
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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair