Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dressed as my supervisor’s feedback on my PhD thesis for Halloween because nothing is scarier than reality
😱😱😱
#phdlife #phdchat #phdmemes

a halloween love story:
my 4yo has been inexplicably carrying around a pumpkin seed, moving it from pocket to pocket of whatever he’s wearing all week. finally got it out of him that he got it from “lila” who said they would plant it together when they get married.

H A L L O W E E N

how halloween is celebrated in australia 💀

Crying no one at my office is dressed up today meanwhile I am sitting at my desk looking like this help

a kid had the audacity to reach into my candy bowl to get more after I’d already given him some so I reached into his bag and took my candy back

the time I found out I was allergic to shrimp

Cut my finger while carving a pumpkin and my 12 y/o daughter told me to save the blood in case we needed it for decorations so I said, “ok, sweetie,” and took garlic to bed with me because WTF.

14 year old girl who said Y’all in a tiktok: I am so sorry

Guy who was “Blackface Johnny” for Halloween in 2012: Does she really think that we’re just going to let this go

I feel like Halloween is the perfect opportunity to not be sexy…. So before you put on that “underwear version” of a costume this season… consider a potato sack over the head, a plaid shirt, some comfy jeans and an axe as an accessory, really simple really cute.

I love halfhearted halloween decorations. I love one witch plastered on a deli window with nothing else

this halloween surprise your friends by putting on clown makeup and dying in their attic

We as a society have surpassed the need for whoppers in Halloween candy bags

Maybe if i dressed up as Iced coffee for Halloween, she’ll post me on her story

A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.

What’s a good Halloween costume that doesn’t require makeup and isn’t uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?

If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy.

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops

For Halloween should I be Girl In Sweats Ordering Chinese Food or Girl In Pajamas Ordering Pizza

For Halloween this year, I’m going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I’ll already be yelling at everyone for having fun.

My kids want to be Amazon boxes for Halloween.

That’s it. That’s the tweet.

a halloween party where i ACTUALLY scare my guests: i greet everyone w a wry smile & say “it’s just been a long day” unprompted and then make everyone play a long board game that no one understands and there’s not enough alcohol and i audibly fight with my husband in the bathroom

We have lots of scary maths jokes for Halloween but we’re 2² to say them

“i don’t really like halloween” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year . . .

Shoutout to everyone making their kids Halloween costumes this week. I feel you, I am you, why are we like this.

My 12-year-old wants to dress up as a scarecrow this Halloween so he can sit unmoving in front of the house and scare every kid that comes to get candy, and I’m struggling to think of more reasons to say no than “your mom will get mad.”

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

I don’t know how it all went so wrong but when presented with a giant bowl of Halloween candy, 6 grabbed Whoppers and a Tootsie Roll instead of the Reese’s.

I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.

Want to be really scary on Halloween? Pass out slime… parents will be terrified.

the media moves too fast to plan a halloween costume now. no one’s gonna care about a Black Widow or Zombie Colin Powell costume by halloween. ya gotta wait til oct 30 when MSNBC accidentally tweets “bOpe” and then immediately make your bope costume that morning

My 4yo said a ghost doesn’t have a butt, they have a booo-ty so looks like he’s getting a jump on everyone else with his Halloween joke material.

Shoutout to parents who were trying to plan ahead but are already returning a Halloween costume.

1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes

“daddy why do celebrate halloween” [don’t say worshipping satan don’t say worshipping satan] well son, it’s for worshipping satan

My mother goes as a broken record every year for Halloween, which is just her following behind me, telling me what a terrible parent I am.

The average parent gains 2.7 lbs from safety-checking their kids Halloween candy.

Halloween is just a scam by Big Cobweb to sell more big cobwebs.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

6: The fun thing about Halloween is you can pretend blood is juice!

Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.

A cool thing about being a parent is that I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume because I naturally look like a zombie from The Walking Dead.

me on halloween vs me the rest of the year

if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life

A child brings so much joy to a parent’s life: their laughter, their smile, their Halloween candy

For Halloween this year I’m going as a fatter version of myself last year.

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.

If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school