A child brings so much joy to a parent’s life: their laughter, their smile, their Halloween candy
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Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
79.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Too easy.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My zodiac sign is pistachio