A cool thing about being a parent is that I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume because I naturally look like a zombie from The Walking Dead.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.