A cool thing about being a parent is that I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume because I naturally look like a zombie from The Walking Dead.
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Cha-ching is my safe word
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.