a halloween love story:
my 4yo has been inexplicably carrying around a pumpkin seed, moving it from pocket to pocket of whatever he’s wearing all week. finally got it out of him that he got it from “lila” who said they would plant it together when they get married.
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.