a halloween love story:
my 4yo has been inexplicably carrying around a pumpkin seed, moving it from pocket to pocket of whatever he’s wearing all week. finally got it out of him that he got it from “lila” who said they would plant it together when they get married.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
