a halloween party where i ACTUALLY scare my guests: i greet everyone w a wry smile & say “it’s just been a long day” unprompted and then make everyone play a long board game that no one understands and there’s not enough alcohol and i audibly fight with my husband in the bathroom
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
