a halloween party where i ACTUALLY scare my guests: i greet everyone w a wry smile & say “it’s just been a long day” unprompted and then make everyone play a long board game that no one understands and there’s not enough alcohol and i audibly fight with my husband in the bathroom
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me My dog
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
