a halloween party where i ACTUALLY scare my guests: i greet everyone w a wry smile & say “it’s just been a long day” unprompted and then make everyone play a long board game that no one understands and there’s not enough alcohol and i audibly fight with my husband in the bathroom
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Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown