Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

reduce, reuse, recycle

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.