A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap