A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
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I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school