ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year . . .
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
You’ll be OK
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…