ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year . . .
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Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*launders Kohls cash*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.