Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.